Laboring is different for everyone and yet it’s the same in many ways. It’s hard work. It’s a painful process and it takes you to places you have never been no matter how many times you have labored.
The ones supporting the laborer must find a balance between respecting and listening to the one laboring and having the confidence and boldness to be a supporter and not an observer.
Stuck In Transition
Charsie’s labor quickly escalated to transition, after laying down disappointed that labor pains had faded. Transition is the most painful and scary part of laboring, and can feel totally out of control. Charsie was gracious and excited to invite people into her labor and then transition hit and she wanted to handle it alone, until she could get a handle on it. It came fast and hard and she wanted to get on top of the pain, before she could deal with anyone. The problem is…. without someone to help you from outside of the pain, it can consume a person.
Wallpapering
Her support team was like wallpaper, we were pressed up against the wall, in a dark room, and not speaking a word (as instructed) and barely breathing. We were holding our breath as it came so fast and hard for Charsie and for all of us.
Charsie kept saying she felt stuck and she was actually describing how we all felt in that moment. She was stuck in pain and we were stuck to the wall, not making a move, in fear it would be the wrong move and cause more pain.
I was the oldest in the room, the mother, grandmother, auntie and mother-in-law to the peeps laboring and wallpapering. My eyes aren’t so good anymore at reading without glasses, but I can read a room and see things that only come with age. What I’ve learned is just because I see something, doesn’t mean I’m the best one to do something about it. The older we get, the better we get at staying in our lane.
Something Needs To Change
Something needed to change. Transition was happening and we were stuck. There is something about a mother telling a daughter what to do, especially in labor, that doesn’t translate well. We had done our laboring together 25 years ago and now was the time for me to push Lashae, her sister, into action.
I realized we can’t be wallpaper all night and we can’t be a spotlight either. Anyone stepping up and saying the wrong thing or making the wrong move, at the wrong time could go all wrong in a lot of directions.
When things are tense and the stakes are high, every move needs to be cautious and sure. I look a few people down the wallpaper line and give Lashae a nudge and a nod; as if to say get off the wall and help your sister. She said NO with no sound but big animated lips. I opened my eyes big and signaled again with a nod and silent big words of my own. Lashae stepped up, with a jerk, and looked back at me with a glare, as if to say, if this upsets her we are both dead. She stepped close to the bed, calm and cool and her eyes were soft and she looked right into Charsie’s eyes and said with all sincerity, “Honey, you are beautiful.” Charsie went from a black hole of pain to a giggle and it broke the ice for everyone. The giggle gave Lashae permission to support the way she knew how to, and it gave the wallpaper people permission to breathe.
Beautiful Moments Change Everything
It was still labor with all the blood sweat and tears but the room changed and Charsie got through transition and we became a team rather than an audience.
Once Charsie heard she was beautiful she could hear everything else Lashae and her team had to say. She could hear and respond to all the support, from the team she put together. She felt loved and supported and from that ‘beautiful’ moment on, she labored like a champ.
Sometimes the only thing people need to know is the beauty you see in them. Even in their worst moments, they need to know someone thinks they are beautiful and it changes everything. Lashae didn’t lead with what to do and not do, how to breathe or move or think… she told her sister she was beautiful, and the transition was made from pain to laughter.
